至少，我活得很诚实。

回到这个被自己荒废很久的小天地。

好久，好久，没有用文字来记载自己的心情。

曾经，这里是我整理思绪的地方。

曾经，这里是我的疗伤的空间。

重新看了以前的文字，还有一些自己从来不敢公告天下，藏在草稿夹里的文字，

我不禁自问：“我还是原来的我吗？”

那个心里住着一个人却拼命寻找别人来弥补心灵空虚的那个我。

那个不管受多少次伤，坚持相信美梦总会成真的我，

那个不管多少次等待落空，却愿意相信希望总会到来的我，

那个尽管缺点多多，却不知道那里来的慢慢自信，超级骄傲的我。

那个总是游离在现实与理想，理性与感性不断拉锯的我。

不管怎样，每一个我都未曾让我后悔。

如果一切重来，我想，我还是会用一样的方式走下去。

那些伤，痛，却让我更珍惜不痛的日子。

那些眼泪，累，却让我更努力绽放笑颜。

那些的一切，成就了这个我。

这个很残缺，却很真实的我。

没有什么比真实的自己更重要。

至少，我活得很诚实。

哥们儿教会我的事。

不久前和两个男人去喝酒，他们是老友，不懂一起把酒高论几次了。

我们可谓相识在‘微时’，当实习律师的时候认识的哥们儿。

如今他们其一人，在原本的律师事物所当了资深律师（那是所非常传统的律师事物所，一切按部就班最少要5年才能媳妇熬成婆），另一位则自己出来开业，都算略有成就了。回想起当年我们的傻样子，只能感叹岁月不留人。

不过，庆幸的是，我们却依然对彼此诚实，或许是人生历练多了一些，放下了一些无所谓的尊严之后，我们比较坦荡，更能真诚相对了。

最近几次的聚会，总会谈到彼此的情事，关他有没有，我们来个两性大解剖。

这次聊到了我为什么总是在某个男人的面前没有自信，总是任意迁就。

说真的，这样的我，对于这两个哥们儿而言，应该是陌生的，我总让他们觉得自己很勇敢、果断。

我说，这个男人不同。

最近刚分手的资深律师，仿佛想起了前女友对他也是唯唯诺诺，凡是都千依百顺。

他就开始追问女人和情人吵架的一些情节，还有女人是否希望男人哄。

这一连串的问题下来，我突然惊觉，我们女人的向来都很简单。

不需要山盟海誓，不需要荣华富贵。

只要一个能真心告诉我，“我爱你，因为你是你（I love you for who you are)”的男人。

在最爱的人面前，我要做回最真实的自己。

这是两个坦诚相对的哥们儿教会我的事。

A Single Man

Another movie review.

Two long-timed friends stayed over during the Raya break, had some fun catching up.

One of them is an early riser, so when the rest of us refused to get up to kick start activities of the day, she will kill her time watching dvds.

Her compliments my good collections of dvds reminded me of the many dvds that I have collected but not watched: 'A Single Man' starring Colin Firth and Julian Moore is of them.

Do we need to say more about Colin Firth superb acting? If you think "The King's Speech" is awesome, you should have watched 'A Single Man'. Well, it is true that the later won Colin Firth an academy award for best actor, but again, movie preference remains something very personal, no?

In this motion picture, Colin Firth played George Falconer, an English Literature Professor, teaching, from England, teaching in LA, sometime around the 60s.

The main plot of the movie lies on how did George cope after the untimely death of Jim, his 16 years long-termed gay partner.

Colin quietly brought audience to experience the devastating experience of losing the love of your life.

Left all alone in the beautiful home they shared, it became extremely hard for George to recover from the pain, every corner he turns, their memory lingers:how they met, their pets that were gone in the same, their conversation about the boy next door etc.

He decided to put his suffering to an end, by ending his life.

On the chosen day, he went to teach as usual, except he cleaned up his room.

In the last class of his life, he deserted the original teaching plan and went on to discuss about fear ---mankind's fear of unknown, of minority - it was actually an expression of his feeling as gay man in his time. George was not even allowed to attend the wake of Jim, and Jim's parent did not even want to inform him of the death.

One of his student, Kenny, approached him after the class. Kenny has this inquisitive look in his eyes, searching constantly or seeking out for something. It turned out that Kenny has been following George closely, close enough to ask for his address from George's secretary, close enough to notice that George has tidied up his room, and asked "Are you going somewhere?"

Kenny was drawn to George for some reason, a reason that perhaps he knew but refused to admit.

George went on to clear his safe in the bank, determined to seal his life.

Lying all the titles, bonds, keys, all his belongings on his desk, he rehearsed the last act of life.

He tried to find the most comfortable position, a trial was run on whether he should lie his head on a pillow, his has even spread a duvet over his bed, fearing that his blood will stain the mattress, I don't know. He tried the position of holding his pistol to shot right into his mouth.

I felt his choice for committing suicide was not too beautiful for a gay man.

George went to meet his long-time friend, Charley, both of them went way far back to the days when he was in London. Charley was once George's lover, before he came out clean to himself.

They had a great time indulging themselves in some nice music and of course Gin, they talked about days in London and plans of returning. Their conversation dwell onto the page on relationship. Charley said something to the extent -- The thing you have with Jim, is something that I never had, not even with Richard (her husband).Wow, the same goes to me, I am not in their stage of life, say in their 50s or 60s, but again, I have a feeling that I am hardened as times goes by and it is getting more and more difficult to blend into my very settled life at the moment. I must have love this man so much, to have allowed him a space in my life now, if he ever comes.

After the farewell session with Charley, George dashed to his hang out bar to buy more drinks, he met Kenny again, they went for naked swim by the sea, at night.

The sound of the ebb, the laughter of the two men on their crazy actions, the dark background looming. That was a mixture of feelings - this doesn't seem right to be the end of life.

George, died that night, after he decided not to end his life.

He died of heart attack.

How ironic, the trick life plays on us.

《那个男人》

夜阑人静，喝了咖啡睡不着的我，在线上遇到下班后在享用宵夜的你。

多年来，你的习惯不改，总是在子夜时分烹调美食，犒赏辛苦工作的自己。

你笑说，这是日渐发福的理由。

谈着谈着，我想起了当年你令人感动的温柔。

不善辞令，但你用自己的方式表达关心。

又问：“明天不用上班吗？”，又问，“是谁说他明天要工作到午夜了？”

终于，我要下线了，你又问：“不懂那个喝了咖啡的人，等下睡得着吗？”

感谢你曾经是《那个男人》，这个女人太任性了。

虽然早了几个月 ————愿你和她白头偕老，平安幸福。

温柔的你，应该得到属于自己的幸福。


一听钟情版：听不懂唱什么，还是爱上了的韩文版：


退而句其次版：还是很好听，杨宗伟版：

谁说，我不可以撒野？

原来这就是30岁的滋味。

曾经以为30岁会是很遥远的事，不料，一眨眼就到了。

好像，我什么都没做，时间就这样溜走了，

我还来不及撒野，心中如此呐喊！

回头一望，我是快乐的，

仔细一想，我是幸福的，

这一瞬间，

暖暖的血液在奔腾，

我在笑，

心满意足的笑，得意放肆的笑，

谁说，我不可以继续撒野？

到底是谁？

不过，这个谁又能奈我何？

早就不在乎别人眼光的王后，可会在乎？

30年，我学会——过自己的人生，走自己要的路。

多么漂亮的一张成绩单！

Music and Lyrics

I have watched this movie twice recently - once Rose came over and wanted to find a movie that we could watch together- could not resist the Dvd happily lying in front of us, popped into the player and finished it - a lighthearted romance comedy perfect for a 'girlie' pillow talk night.

Yesterday, after a pretty busy Sunday- practically running around places:laundry, lunch with bff, toilet cleaning, haircut, dinner and city tour with colleague for the upcoming event this weekend - I came home to continue my laundry, and while waiting for it, I have watched it again.

This time, it daunted upon me that the movie has far more bearings and I was wrong to have brushed it off lightly the first time as any other killing time rom-com. Or perhaps, it clicked with my lost soul at the moment.

The script is delighting, I would have a man that has Alex's type of humour - dry yet intelligent to a certain extent. For instance, when Sophie said she will wear bright orange to be noticeable to him in the cab to pick her up from her place, he replied, "and you can get some roadwork done while waiting...."

The first thing that came to me, "How stupid!" , but it was indeed funny.

It was a story of a man and woman finding their way back into love by finding themselves. Both Alex and Sophie have 'luggage' that they lugged along life; Alex, who never regain fame after coming solo from a popular band in the 80s,struggles with his song writing; Sohpie, a English literature grad - a talented writer who could never pen anything after a horrible love episode in life, tries hard to find a way of defining her life.

Alex thinks that his music is dessert while big names he idolised like Rolling Stone, Bob Dylan, Beatles wrote dinner. He never believe that he could write a 'dinner' piece - yet he could and he did, if he stood up to defend his belief in what is good and not pandering to others, like how he did with the leading 'booty-shaking' Zen-yet so called sexual icon - Cora, for who he and Sophie created the song 'Way Back into Love' - a song for people who were uncertain and wary about getting back into love. The piano intro was simple yet beautiful, Alex allowed Cora to revamp the intro by some rapping and Indi-liked music to allow her confidence and sexual display dance move - Sohpie likened Cora's move as killing two culture at the same time - she called it some sort of "Gandhi type orgasm".

Sophie, on the other hand, never came out from her failing love episode, and never learned to carry herself in front of the jerk turned national best through a novel depicting the love story of a young literature student with her professor.

By constructing a character based on Sohpie's character, the only novelty in the nation's bestseller work is his ability to demonise an ex-lover- an aspiring young writer - magnifying her shortcomings and calling her a mimic, which proved to be fatal to her writing career.

She shivered when faced with the photo of the jerk displayed in a bookstore she and Alex passed by and could not even finish a sentence of her thousand-time-rehearsed speech-"Bumping into the jerk speech" when she came across the jerk in a restaurant with Alex.

In a confronting scene, Alex told Sophie, "You think life is this fairytale, but when it turns out that everything doesn't end happily, you cannot deal with it!"

A line that hit me most.

I have thought life is this fairytale - not that I could have everything I want, but why can't things stay good as it is ? Things changed, people changed over time, and I suddenly find that I am the one remained inertia.


It is then time for me to change my mindset, and perhaps then I could find myself, and a way back to love ?

很爱过——