哥们儿教会我的事。

不久前和两个男人去喝酒，他们是老友，不懂一起把酒高论几次了。

我们可谓相识在‘微时’，当实习律师的时候认识的哥们儿。

如今他们其一人，在原本的律师事物所当了资深律师（那是所非常传统的律师事物所，一切按部就班最少要5年才能媳妇熬成婆），另一位则自己出来开业，都算略有成就了。回想起当年我们的傻样子，只能感叹岁月不留人。

不过，庆幸的是，我们却依然对彼此诚实，或许是人生历练多了一些，放下了一些无所谓的尊严之后，我们比较坦荡，更能真诚相对了。

最近几次的聚会，总会谈到彼此的情事，关他有没有，我们来个两性大解剖。

这次聊到了我为什么总是在某个男人的面前没有自信，总是任意迁就。

说真的，这样的我，对于这两个哥们儿而言，应该是陌生的，我总让他们觉得自己很勇敢、果断。

我说，这个男人不同。

最近刚分手的资深律师，仿佛想起了前女友对他也是唯唯诺诺，凡是都千依百顺。

他就开始追问女人和情人吵架的一些情节，还有女人是否希望男人哄。

这一连串的问题下来，我突然惊觉，我们女人的向来都很简单。

不需要山盟海誓，不需要荣华富贵。

只要一个能真心告诉我，“我爱你，因为你是你（I love you for who you are)”的男人。

在最爱的人面前，我要做回最真实的自己。

这是两个坦诚相对的哥们儿教会我的事。

A Single Man

Another movie review.

Two long-timed friends stayed over during the Raya break, had some fun catching up.

One of them is an early riser, so when the rest of us refused to get up to kick start activities of the day, she will kill her time watching dvds.

Her compliments my good collections of dvds reminded me of the many dvds that I have collected but not watched: 'A Single Man' starring Colin Firth and Julian Moore is of them.

Do we need to say more about Colin Firth superb acting? If you think "The King's Speech" is awesome, you should have watched 'A Single Man'. Well, it is true that the later won Colin Firth an academy award for best actor, but again, movie preference remains something very personal, no?

In this motion picture, Colin Firth played George Falconer, an English Literature Professor, teaching, from England, teaching in LA, sometime around the 60s.

The main plot of the movie lies on how did George cope after the untimely death of Jim, his 16 years long-termed gay partner.

Colin quietly brought audience to experience the devastating experience of losing the love of your life.

Left all alone in the beautiful home they shared, it became extremely hard for George to recover from the pain, every corner he turns, their memory lingers:how they met, their pets that were gone in the same, their conversation about the boy next door etc.

He decided to put his suffering to an end, by ending his life.

On the chosen day, he went to teach as usual, except he cleaned up his room.

In the last class of his life, he deserted the original teaching plan and went on to discuss about fear ---mankind's fear of unknown, of minority - it was actually an expression of his feeling as gay man in his time. George was not even allowed to attend the wake of Jim, and Jim's parent did not even want to inform him of the death.

One of his student, Kenny, approached him after the class. Kenny has this inquisitive look in his eyes, searching constantly or seeking out for something. It turned out that Kenny has been following George closely, close enough to ask for his address from George's secretary, close enough to notice that George has tidied up his room, and asked "Are you going somewhere?"

Kenny was drawn to George for some reason, a reason that perhaps he knew but refused to admit.

George went on to clear his safe in the bank, determined to seal his life.

Lying all the titles, bonds, keys, all his belongings on his desk, he rehearsed the last act of life.

He tried to find the most comfortable position, a trial was run on whether he should lie his head on a pillow, his has even spread a duvet over his bed, fearing that his blood will stain the mattress, I don't know. He tried the position of holding his pistol to shot right into his mouth.

I felt his choice for committing suicide was not too beautiful for a gay man.

George went to meet his long-time friend, Charley, both of them went way far back to the days when he was in London. Charley was once George's lover, before he came out clean to himself.

They had a great time indulging themselves in some nice music and of course Gin, they talked about days in London and plans of returning. Their conversation dwell onto the page on relationship. Charley said something to the extent -- The thing you have with Jim, is something that I never had, not even with Richard (her husband).Wow, the same goes to me, I am not in their stage of life, say in their 50s or 60s, but again, I have a feeling that I am hardened as times goes by and it is getting more and more difficult to blend into my very settled life at the moment. I must have love this man so much, to have allowed him a space in my life now, if he ever comes.

After the farewell session with Charley, George dashed to his hang out bar to buy more drinks, he met Kenny again, they went for naked swim by the sea, at night.

The sound of the ebb, the laughter of the two men on their crazy actions, the dark background looming. That was a mixture of feelings - this doesn't seem right to be the end of life.

George, died that night, after he decided not to end his life.

He died of heart attack.

How ironic, the trick life plays on us.

《那个男人》

夜阑人静，喝了咖啡睡不着的我，在线上遇到下班后在享用宵夜的你。

多年来，你的习惯不改，总是在子夜时分烹调美食，犒赏辛苦工作的自己。

你笑说，这是日渐发福的理由。

谈着谈着，我想起了当年你令人感动的温柔。

不善辞令，但你用自己的方式表达关心。

又问：“明天不用上班吗？”，又问，“是谁说他明天要工作到午夜了？”

终于，我要下线了，你又问：“不懂那个喝了咖啡的人，等下睡得着吗？”

感谢你曾经是《那个男人》，这个女人太任性了。

虽然早了几个月 ————愿你和她白头偕老，平安幸福。

温柔的你，应该得到属于自己的幸福。


一听钟情版：听不懂唱什么，还是爱上了的韩文版：


退而句其次版：还是很好听，杨宗伟版：

谁说，我不可以撒野？

原来这就是30岁的滋味。

曾经以为30岁会是很遥远的事，不料，一眨眼就到了。

好像，我什么都没做，时间就这样溜走了，

我还来不及撒野，心中如此呐喊！

回头一望，我是快乐的，

仔细一想，我是幸福的，

这一瞬间，

暖暖的血液在奔腾，

我在笑，

心满意足的笑，得意放肆的笑，

谁说，我不可以继续撒野？

到底是谁？

不过，这个谁又能奈我何？

早就不在乎别人眼光的王后，可会在乎？

30年，我学会——过自己的人生，走自己要的路。

多么漂亮的一张成绩单！

Music and Lyrics

I have watched this movie twice recently - once Rose came over and wanted to find a movie that we could watch together- could not resist the Dvd happily lying in front of us, popped into the player and finished it - a lighthearted romance comedy perfect for a 'girlie' pillow talk night.

Yesterday, after a pretty busy Sunday- practically running around places:laundry, lunch with bff, toilet cleaning, haircut, dinner and city tour with colleague for the upcoming event this weekend - I came home to continue my laundry, and while waiting for it, I have watched it again.

This time, it daunted upon me that the movie has far more bearings and I was wrong to have brushed it off lightly the first time as any other killing time rom-com. Or perhaps, it clicked with my lost soul at the moment.

The script is delighting, I would have a man that has Alex's type of humour - dry yet intelligent to a certain extent. For instance, when Sophie said she will wear bright orange to be noticeable to him in the cab to pick her up from her place, he replied, "and you can get some roadwork done while waiting...."

The first thing that came to me, "How stupid!" , but it was indeed funny.

It was a story of a man and woman finding their way back into love by finding themselves. Both Alex and Sophie have 'luggage' that they lugged along life; Alex, who never regain fame after coming solo from a popular band in the 80s,struggles with his song writing; Sohpie, a English literature grad - a talented writer who could never pen anything after a horrible love episode in life, tries hard to find a way of defining her life.

Alex thinks that his music is dessert while big names he idolised like Rolling Stone, Bob Dylan, Beatles wrote dinner. He never believe that he could write a 'dinner' piece - yet he could and he did, if he stood up to defend his belief in what is good and not pandering to others, like how he did with the leading 'booty-shaking' Zen-yet so called sexual icon - Cora, for who he and Sophie created the song 'Way Back into Love' - a song for people who were uncertain and wary about getting back into love. The piano intro was simple yet beautiful, Alex allowed Cora to revamp the intro by some rapping and Indi-liked music to allow her confidence and sexual display dance move - Sohpie likened Cora's move as killing two culture at the same time - she called it some sort of "Gandhi type orgasm".

Sophie, on the other hand, never came out from her failing love episode, and never learned to carry herself in front of the jerk turned national best through a novel depicting the love story of a young literature student with her professor.

By constructing a character based on Sohpie's character, the only novelty in the nation's bestseller work is his ability to demonise an ex-lover- an aspiring young writer - magnifying her shortcomings and calling her a mimic, which proved to be fatal to her writing career.

She shivered when faced with the photo of the jerk displayed in a bookstore she and Alex passed by and could not even finish a sentence of her thousand-time-rehearsed speech-"Bumping into the jerk speech" when she came across the jerk in a restaurant with Alex.

In a confronting scene, Alex told Sophie, "You think life is this fairytale, but when it turns out that everything doesn't end happily, you cannot deal with it!"

A line that hit me most.

I have thought life is this fairytale - not that I could have everything I want, but why can't things stay good as it is ? Things changed, people changed over time, and I suddenly find that I am the one remained inertia.


It is then time for me to change my mindset, and perhaps then I could find myself, and a way back to love ?

很爱过——

随笔

好久好久，没有用文字记载自己的心情。

几乎忘了，写字或更正确一些，打字表述自己的心境是多么一件快乐的事。

最近，算是生命中少有的多事之秋，心情的起伏总是好大，偶尔更是沉浸在一股低落的情绪中。

不过，我想自己是长大了吧，有些时候，竟然可以比较坦然的面对一些事情，回家还是到头大睡，不把公事上的烦恼带回家。

辗转来回，我仿佛回到了起点：我要的究竟是一个怎样的人生？

如果从一般思考逻辑切入，无法取得答案，或许我该开始使用排除法，将一些不可能的事项都一一排开？

一，贤妻良母：我没有持之以恒做家务的能耐，更怀疑自己有没有耐性替子女们把屎把尿；

二，事业有成，当个什么领域里的佼佼者，领导群雄：三十岁不远（还有几天），我却更了解自己，工作上的成就、众人的掌声或许让我雀跃，不过，如果这些从生命中缺席，我不会感到遗憾或失落，毕竟有的就有失，如果努力过后，仍然好无进展，我何必为之执着伤神，人生短，但我却不要活得苦，走这一遭，我笑过、哭过；我爱过、恨过
、我快乐过、痛苦过；我夫复和求？

怎么，我把人生所有的可能都排除了，还剩什么？

或许我要的只是写好一篇好文章的心满意足，一种最简单的快乐？

向来搞怪，或许我就是要走出一条属于我的路？

这颗贪恋自由的心，终究想出来撒野。

只愿你过的好

最近，反复聆听张惠妹的《我最亲爱的》。

一首写给旧爱的歌，说想知道旧爱的近况，想知道旧爱是否无恙，过去一切过错都烟消云散。

突然意识到心里没有这样牵挂着的一个人，内心深处住着一个多么自私且不懂的爱的灵魂。

过去的记忆，快乐、悲伤画面竟变得如此模糊。

原来最可恶，最丑陋的是自己，对你予取予求后却从来未曾交出真心。

相隔两地，或许是我们最好的距离。

只愿你过的好，我诚挚的期盼。

只怕来不及

天然灾难让日本满目疮痍，电视屏幕上播放海啸、地震肆虐的画面让人更体悟到自己的渺小、脆弱。

科技再发达，再完整的抵御防灾工作，精准程度近乎秒数的灾害预警，都没有办法招架超级强震、或铺天盖地的海啸，一切都听老天爷发牌。

看到存活灾黎因为能够与失散至亲重逢而抱头痛哭，眼泪开始夺眶而出，多揪心啊！

突然好想妈妈，给她打了电话，说了好久好久的话，如果她在眼前，我会紧紧抱着妈妈，告诉她我有多爱她。

危难当前，生命走到尽头那一刻，唯一的牵挂就是那些爱你或你爱的人，能够逃过大劫，又能与心中牵挂相逢，真是蒙天眷顾。

天佑世人，天佑那些我爱的人，愿在世界任何一个角落的你们都平安。

只怕来不及，请你们记得，我爱你们。

你看不见的。

你问：“你以为每个人都像你一样，任何事情都可以自己想清楚，自己解决吗？”

我突然有点不知所措，只能勉强的挤出笑容应对。

我没有自己假装的那么坚强，真的没有。

我只是不想让你看到我的脆弱，我习惯将脆弱都隐藏起来，是很用力的隐藏。

夜深人静，想到白天日子里的委屈，开始和自己说话，让自己开解自己。

将让自己难过的事件抽丝剥茧，对自己动之以情，说之以理，好说歹说地努力说服自己。

但我不是圣人，更非什么能者，总会碰上想不通，理不清的心结，这时眼泪就会开始不停地流。

多少次，流到干了，流到累了，就浑浑噩噩的睡了。

睡醒了，又是崭新的一天。

这就是我自己解决事情的方法了，有效吗？

我也不知道。

就在那里，一直在那里。

你见，或者不见我
我就在那里
不悲 不喜

你念，或者不念我
情就在那里
不来 不去

你爱，或者不爱我
爱就在那里
不增 不减

你跟，或者不跟我
我的手就在你手里
不舍 不弃

来我的怀里
或者
让我住进你的心里
默然　相爱
寂静　欢喜
——仓央嘉措

”总有一种力量让我们泪流满面“

“总有一种力量让我们泪流满面“，这是“被辞职”的著名中国评论人长平先生曾经说过的一句话，一个多星期前，长平先生在微博上透露了自己遭要求全面离开所服务的南方集团，也发表了自己对因言治罪的鄙视及抗议。

网上有关长平先生的消息，总提及这篇他在1999年开年写的文章，找来看看，忍不住泪流满面，这是多少媒体工作者的心声，多少热爱自己国土的人的心声,又是多少殷切盼望社会可以变得更美好的人的心声？

如果你对正义有所渴望，对良知不停歇的追求，这篇文章文章绝对有让你为之动容的力量。

原来泪流满面需要的不仅是原因，还有力量。

转贴这篇文章，向所有在管制环境下努力履行媒体工作者职务的人们致敬，也对长平先生表示支持。


“总有一种力量让我们泪流满面”
南方周末-1.1.1999

这是新年的第一天。这是我们与你见面的第777次。祝愿阳光打在你的脸上。

阳光打在你的脸上，温暖留在我们心里。这是冬天里平常的一天。北方的树叶已经落尽，南方的树叶还留在枝上，人们在大街上懒洋洋地走着，或者急匆匆地跑着，每个人都怀着自己的希望，每个人都握紧自己的心事。

本世纪最后的日历正在一页页减去，没有什么可以把人轻易打动。除了真实。人们有理想但也有幻象，人们得到过安慰也蒙受过羞辱，人们曾经不再相信别人也不再相信自己。好在岁月让我们深知“真”的宝贵——真实、真情、真理，它让我们离开凌空蹈虚的乌托邦险境，认清了虚伪和欺骗。尽管，“真实”有时让人难堪，但直面真实的民族是成熟的民族，直面真实的人群是坚强的人群。

没有什么可以轻易把人打动，除了正义的号角。当你面对蒙冤无助的弱者，当你面对专横跋扈的恶人，当你面对足以影响人们一生的社会不公，你就明白正义需要多少代价，正义需要多少勇气。

没有什么可以轻易把人打动，除了内心的爱。没有什么可以轻易把人打动，除了前进的脚步……

这是新年的第一天，就像平常一样，我们与你再次见面，为逝去的一年而感怀，为新来的一年作准备。祝愿阳光打在你的脸上。

阳光打在你的脸上，温暖留在我们心里。有一种力量，正从你的指尖悄悄袭来，有一种关怀，正从你的眼中轻轻放出。在这个时刻，我们无言以对，惟有祝福：让无力者有力，让悲观者前行，让往前走的继续走，让幸福的人儿更幸福；而我们，则不停为你加油。

我们不停为你加油。因为你的希望就是我们的希望，因为你的苦难就是我们的苦难。我们看着你举起锄头，我们看着你舞动镰刀，我们看着你挥汗如雨，我们看着你谷满粮仓。我们看着你流离失所，我们看着你痛哭流涕，我们看着你中流击水，我们看着你重建家园。我们看着你无奈下岗，我们看着你咬紧牙关，我们看着你风雨度过，我们看着你笑逐开……我们看着你，我们不停为你加油，因为我们就是你们的一部分。

总有一种力量它让我们泪流满面，总有一种力量它让我们抖擞精神，总有一种力量它驱使我们不断寻求“正义、爱心、良知”。这种力量来自于你，来自于你们中间的每一个人。

所以，在这样的时候，在这新年的第一天，我们要向你、向你身边的每一个人，说一声，“新年好”！祝愿阳光打在你的脸上。

因为有你，才有我们。

阳光打在你的脸上，温暖留在我们心里。为什么我们总是眼含着泪水，因为我们爱得深沉；为什么我们总是精神抖擞，因为我们爱得深沉；为什么我们总在不断寻求，因为我们爱得深沉。爱这个国家，还有她的人民，他们善良，他们正直，他们懂得互相关怀。